I turned thirty yesterday.

I was feeling super anxious about the occasion and have been spending the last week or two trying to fit in as much as possible in order to end my twenties with a BANG.

The other day I expressed my anxiety to an old friend. I told her I imagined my life looking much differently at 30 (particularly in the baby department). She looked at me like I had lost my mind. She gently reminded me of everything I DID have. A comfortable life, supportive husband, house, great education, loving family, friends, etc…

I’ve been thinking about what she said a lot these past couple of days. As I reflect on my birthday yesterday, I’m reminded of how much I’ve changed. I’m stronger (mentally and physically), I’m more optimistic and I’m happy.  Yet, among all the change, I’ve remained the same. Let me explain by taking you through my day through two perspectives: “Old Katie” and “New Katie”:

Old Katie: Went for a long run in the morning in order to burn calories from the day before and allow myself more calories for the rest of the day.

New Katie: Went for a short run in the morning (on my favorite trail) because I wanted to. My doctor gave  me the “green light” to run 10 miles a week. Now I run 3-4 times a week for 3 miles at a time. I supplement it with the occasional barre class and a walk with the dogs. I would be lying to you if I said this wasn’t the hardest part of getting well, but I’m thankful. Ten miles is better than zero.

Old Katie: Downed several cups of coffee and several more cans of Diet Coke just to get through the day.

New Katie: Several months ago I quit sodas cold turkey. As someone who drank at least three cans a day for over a decade, this was HUGE. I’ve also been advised to decrease coffee consumption to one cup a day to help with fertility. E and I went to my favorite coffee shop yesterday. For a long time whenever E and I went out to dinner (or to get a drink) we would run out of things to talk about. All I did was run and work so I had little to offer in terms of engaging conversation. These days, E and I talk about anything and everything. From politics to nutrition to family and religion, we are getting to know each other on a whole different level. Our “coffee dates” are here to stay.

Old Katie: Couldn’t deal with changes to her “schedule”. As you probably know by now, eating and exercise obsessions have more to do with power and control than food or weight. Whenever something happened out of my control, I would dwell on it until it ruined my day (and inevitably E’s day).

New Katie: I had a whole day planned, but unfortunately the weather had a plan of its own. While it did piss me off, I changed our agenda. And guess what? The world did not end and I actually had a GREAT day! Go figure.

Old Katie: Would have gone to dinner with family only after finding a restaurant with a “Katie-safe” salad on the menu. Preferably a restaurant that posted its nutritional facts.

New Katie: I picked a restaurant based on my body’s cravings. This is probably a “no-brainer” for the majority of you, but it has proved to be one of the hardest skills to relearn. I’ve spent so much time trying to teach my head to ignore any craving that it’s hard to isolate them now. But I did. And I didn’t order salad. I enjoyed the appetizers, some wine and a regular entree just like everyone else. At the end of dinner my mom told me how nice it was to see me enjoy “real food”. And it was nice. So nice.

Old Katie: My mom is insistent on baking some sort of sweet treat for birthdays. While she has always baked on my birthday, I can’t remember the last time I partook in the dessert portion of the meal. I was full of excuses: “I’m stuffed from dinner.” “I’ll have some later.” And my favorite: “I don’t like chocolate.” Psh.

New Katie: My mom baked brownies. She decorated them with crowns and jewels made out of sugar (the running joke in the family is that she’s the Queen and I’m the princess). Brownies have been a real struggle. I love them SO much that I never trusted myself to stop at one. I was convinced that if I had a bite it would turn into two and then three, and then half the pan! I knew, even though I really was full this time, I needed to prove to myself that I could enjoy these decadent, chocolatey squares of delight without going overboard. And I did. And again this morning. 🙂

Old Katie: For far too long I found it very difficult to stay up past 8 PM. I had zero energy left from my workouts, calorie deprivation and work that I just couldn’t stay awake. I knew the sooner I went to bed, the sooner I could wake up and eat again.

New Katie: I stayed up until 10 PM (and only because E made me turn off the TV). The less energy I exert in my workouts and the more energy I consume through food, the less tired (and caffeine dependent) I’ve become. This has been HUGE and I look forward to it improving even more over time. I’ve also been walking my dogs every night after dinner. This started off as a way to help calm down our black lab and walk some of his energy off. It has turned into a great way for me to reflect on my day. Allowing myself this time, alone and away from my phone, has really helped me end the day on a high (and thankful) note. If you don’t do this already, I highly recommend it.

With all that being said, each day is still a struggle. “Ed” definitely tried to join me at dinner, but I was able to ignore him. I ordered what I wanted, ate as much as I wanted and truly enjoyed an anxiety-free meal with some of my favorite people. If this is a preview of what this new decade has in store for me, bring it on.

XoXo

Katie