For those of you that you may not know me outside of thirtystars, I announced some BIG NEWS recently….

E and I are PREGNANT!!!!!!

I know, I know… you’re probably thinking: “Wow, she beat infertility quickly!”. To a degree, E and I have been very lucky considering our odds. However, it has been a VERY bumpy road, but we are here…over half-way there to be exact!

The purpose of this post is not to talk about my pregnancy (I’ll do that in future posts), but to talk about how we got here. It is within this crazy, windy, scary path that holds the REAL story. My hope is that it also provides some encouragement to other woman battling two inner struggles: 1. Overcoming hypothalamic amenorrhea and obsessive dieting and 2. Attempting to beat infertility in the process.

Ever since I decided I wanted (needed) to get healthy, E and I have decided to stop NOT trying to get pregnant.

Over a year passed and I still wasn’t getting visits from my monthly “friend”. While there were many things about my period I did NOT miss, its absence indicated a bigger problem: annovulation.

From my own education and research, I knew I needed to make bigger changes if I wanted to carry a baby: decrease time spent running/working out, increase calories, and CHILL OUT. Easier said than done, especially for a Type A like myself, but I was committed to getting there. I replaced longer runs with walks, fat-free dairy with full-fat, and a low-carb diet with heaps of whole grains and nutrient-heavy starches. I also practiced breathing techniques to help calm me during times of worry, stress or frustration.

While I did feel better, every month that passed without a period left me distraught and helpless. Finally,  a friend of ours had some fertility struggles of her own and highly recommended a fertility specialist. Nervous, apprehensive and skeptical, E and I sat down and embarked on one of the most important, difficult, and scariest journeys of our lives.

Our fertility specialist was no-nonsense, honest and decisive. In other words, she spoke our language. We LOVED her. In fact, among other things, she actually specialized in hypothalamic amenorrhea. It was fate!

I was prepared to jump into whatever regimen she recommended (E was, and has always been, more apt to go the “natural” route as long as possible). However, she told me while I was doing everything right, my body needed more time. I had mistreated it for quite a while, and it would take quite a while to get back into its natural rhythm. Then she slammed us with a harsh reality I never wanted to face: I may never ovulate naturally again.

While that may have been true, she wasn’t yet ready to give up the “healthy eating, little-to-no exercise path”. In addition to these changes, she recommended I visit a fertility acupuncturist*. Had you asked me a year prior if I could ever see myself getting acupuncture, I would have thought you were crazy. However, at this point in my life and in my struggle, I was ready to try anything.

After six more months of further reducing my exercise, dramatically changing my diet and undergoing fertility acupuncture once a week, I still hadn’t received a period, much less ovulated. While I did notice some changes (I won’t go into detail here, but I’m more than happy to discuss offline), I was still devastated with each passing month.

We went back to the “awesome doctor” and layed out our options. Essentially we had the choice of going down two very different paths: 1. Jump into IVF. While this was a much more expensive and intrusive option, it presented much higher odds of providing us with our “positive” test we both so desperately wanted. 2. Try a much more conservative approach by utilizing special follicle-stimulationg hormones (Menopur) and good old-fashioned timed s-e-x.

Being the impatient “I want what I want, and I want it NOW” type, I obviously wanted to go down Path #1. However, E being the “let’s approach this rationally type”, wanted Path #2. Considering our odds were that we would need to try either path multiple times before anything actually happened, and I could see $$$$ piling up in front of my very eyes (Texas law does not require insurance companies to cover any fertility-related treatments), I reluctantly agreed to try Path #2 first.

For those of you that may have undergone fertility treatments before, I’m sure you can understand when I say I totally underestimated the time, financial, and emotional commitments required.

The next couple of months were a blur filled with subcutaneous injections, vaginal suppositories (yes, you read that correctly), biweekly blood draws and ultrasounds, and more doctors visits than I’ve ever had in my entire life COMBINED. Every couple of days we would wait on pins and needles for the phone call from our doctor that held our future: Is my body responding or has it finally rejected the abuse?

I’ve never felt so helpless than I did during that time. Never mind the multitude of hormones my body was subjected to, I was also dealing with MAJOR guilt. Guilt that I had been so vain for so long, that my obsessions led us to this dark place, that not only was I having to go through this but I was forcing E to go through it too. The ONE thing I’m supposed to be able to do, the ONE thing the female body was designed to create, I couldn’t. I felt like I was defective, like someone stole my femininity. The greatest irony of it all? I tried so hard for so many years NOT to get pregnant, and here I was: finally ready but I couldn’t conceive no matter how hard I tried.

What happened next can only be explained as divine intervention.

We waited and waited for my blood tests and ultrasounds to show that my ovaries were responding to the hormones and I was ready for my “trigger shot” of Ovidrel. This shot provides the hormone hCG, which tell your ovaries to release eggs, (aka ovulate). Finally, the day came, I gave myself the extra shot, and began the dreaded “waiting game”.

I continually prepared myself for the worst. I knew our odds that this would work on the first try were slim to none, especially considering how long it had been since by body actually ovulated. Our “awesome doctor” set VERY realistic expectations, and truthfully, I was already setting money aside for Round #2.

Again, being the impatient person than I am, I just couldn’t wait to take a pregnancy test. In fact, 3 days before the EARLIEST day I could take one I decided I would make a secret Walgreens run. Unbeknownst to E, in the middle of the night, I peed on a pink stick expecting a big, fat negative. However, a few short moments later, a VERY faint plus sign appeared. Was it, or wasn’t it?! I quickly found myself, still half-asleep, sitting on the toilet googling images of positive pregnancy tests to see if mine matched. Nothing seemed definitive, so I hid the test in the cabinet, jumped back into bed, and decided not to tell E.

I couldn’t stop thinking about that test, but promised myself I would wait a few more days to take another one. A few days (and several tests later) we got….

 

 

 

No guesses about it. Somehow, someway, we were one of the lucky ones.

A cross-country move, job and school change later, we are here. 23 weeks pregnant. It hasn’t been easy. Hell, it has been a real test on our marriage and ourselves, but we’re here: farther than I ever imagined we would be.

While the pregnancy has offered its share of scares (and that is putting it lightly), I want other women to know that there IS hope. Whether you decide you want to go the natural route, or you don’t mind a little help from science, there are options. Lots of them.

I wasted so much time and energy upsetting myself over articles, posts and books telling me I could never get pregnant. I’m convinced part of what took so long was the fact that I could never relax because I just could NOT stop thinking about baby, baby, baby.

I would never wish this journey on anyone, but in the event that you find yourself in a similar place, you are NOT alone. There are millions upon millions of women who are struggling with infertility for a number of reasons. I hope you find strength in my story, their stories, and most importantly YOURS.

XOXO,

K

*Some studies have shown that acupuncture may help with the following conditions related to fertility: 

Unexplained Infertility
Immunologic Infertililty
Poor semen quality and quantity
Prolactinemia
Recurrent Miscarriage
Luteal Phase Defect
Thin Uterine Lining
Advanced Maternal Age
Poor Egg Quality
Endometriosis
Annovulation
High FSH, Poor Responders
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome