My name is Katie and I’m terrified of oil.

My food fears began when I started to lose weight many years ago. I took the easy road and completely avoided high caloric and high fat foods, regardless of nutritional value. I stopped cooking with oil and eating any kind of oil-based dressings. Today, “Rational Katie” knows that my fear of oil stems from eliminating it those many years ago. “Rational Katie” knows, more than anything, I need the extra calories and fat to get my body back to its normal state so it can work properly.

“Irrational Katie” still considers oil a “sneaky food”. It often goes undetected and even a small amount sneaks many calories into an otherwise healthy dish. “Irrational Katie” tells me that the oil will make me “fat” again.

If we’ve ever dined out together you know I’ve lived by many “food rules”. I started off asking for dressing on the side. Then I requested they leave the dressing off entirely. Eventually I started asking if they cooked any of my food in oil, and if so, to please make an exception for my meal. I was one of those terrible customers with a million different requests and substitutes. It ended up being too hard (and embarrassing) to go out to eat. My kitchen was “safe”. I controlled the amount of oil (or lack thereof) in my food, and that was very comforting.

One of the biggest fights I ever had with E was over oil.

E loves to cook. While most women would be grateful for such a husband, it caused me a lot of anxiety. Any time he prepared food, I had to review and approve the ingredient list. Whenever oil was involved, he would call me into the kitchen where I would do the measuring. It gave me some control in a situation where I felt pretty powerless.

One day I was feeling brave and told him he could measure the oil without me. I remember being on the other side of the house and feeling so anxious about it. I pictured him secretly pouring tons of oil into the pan because he knew I needed it. Eventually my anxiety got so bad that I couldn’t handle it anymore and ran into the kitchen. I took one look at the pan and lost it. In my mind he poured too much and he did it on purpose. I felt like he was being deceitful. I told him I didn’t trust him anymore. I forced him to throw out the food and start over. As I was crying and yelling I KNEW I was being crazy. Batshit crazy. I just couldn’t help it. I literally couldn’t help it.

It seems insane. I see that now. However, as I’ve mentioned before, disordered eating has more to do with control than it does with the food itself. Many women (and men) have specific foods that give them more anxiety than others and it takes more work to overcome.

One solution I’ve found helpful is what I consider “food compromises”. For example, when baking, if a recipe calls for 3 Tb of oil, I’ll use 2 Tb of oil and 1 Tb of applesauce. I also use organic olive oil spray on salads instead of a jar to help control the amount. In restaurants, I don’t ask about the oil. I’m learning to trust the chef(s) and enjoy the meal without the preoccupation of oil and butter.

If you find yourself anywhere on this journey with food fears, you’re not alone. Just remember that there are no “bad foods” and you must trust yourself to practice moderation. One Tb of oil doesn’t equate to pounds gained. Butter won’t make you go up a size. We’ve given food too much power. Let’s take it back. All of it!

XoXo

Katie