Fall classes began this week.

I never thought I would say those words at 30, but life is full of surprises!

My BA and M.Ed required little to no math or sciences. This means I have to take several undergraduate courses in addition to my graduate courses. Translation: I swallow my pride every day as I walk into a classroom full of frat shirts, Birkenstocks and whispers about this weekend’s kegger. Do you feel sorry for me yet?

This very humbling experience forces me to reflect on my innocent college days. Was I that naive? Was I that disinterested in academics? Was I that boy-crazy? Yes, yes, and YES.

I will say, as an adult, I’m much more thankful to be sitting in those seats. The fact that life experiences have drawn me to this course of study (and I’m footing the bill this time around) makes me much more grateful for the opportunity.

One of my classes, a nutrition course, really surprises me. It’s not the content as much as the student demographic. I ignorantly assumed that someone majoring in nutrition would look (and act like) a gym rat, but boy was I wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever attended a more eclectic class. There are people of all different sizes, shapes, ages and color. A desire to learn (and appreciate) nutrition apparently knows no boundaries.

One of the most interesting topics that we’ve discussed was our personal reason for studying nutrition/dietetics. While not everyone offered the information (myself included), one girl talked about growing up with two obese parents. Her studies would be a tribute to breaking the cycle. Another guy spoke about his struggles with choosing to go Paleo. His Asian family felt like he was betraying their culture.

My point is that it doesn’t matter where you are on this journey or how you started. Nutrition is such a personal choice and it certainly doesn’t look the same for everyone. I look forward to continuing my studies to better myself and eventually help others along their journey.

XoXo

Katie

P.S. I added a new page of Book Recommendations. When I finally accepted the fact that I had a problem, my first inclination was to go on a bookstore binge. I bought dozens of books on eating disorders, recovery, self-love, etc. Unfortunately, I hated all of them. I felt like the content was fake, forced, depressing, and unrelatable. That’s when I started gravitating toward nutrition and health. Interpreting numbers and facts made my struggles not only real but solvable.

Regardless of where you are on the nutrition/health/wellness continuum, if you’re a woman, I highly suggest picking up a copy of “The Body Book”. I saw this book last year and completely dismissed it when I noticed Cameron Diaz was the author. I thought “What the hell does that SHE know about the female body?” I gave it a second glance a couple of weeks ago and I’m so glad I did. While much of the material is elementary, it sends a wonderful message to women of all ages. In plus, it works great as a “coffee table book”. 😉

I turned thirty yesterday.

I was feeling super anxious about the occasion and have been spending the last week or two trying to fit in as much as possible in order to end my twenties with a BANG.

The other day I expressed my anxiety to an old friend. I told her I imagined my life looking much differently at 30 (particularly in the baby department). She looked at me like I had lost my mind. She gently reminded me of everything I DID have. A comfortable life, supportive husband, house, great education, loving family, friends, etc…

I’ve been thinking about what she said a lot these past couple of days. As I reflect on my birthday yesterday, I’m reminded of how much I’ve changed. I’m stronger (mentally and physically), I’m more optimistic and I’m happy.  Yet, among all the change, I’ve remained the same. Let me explain by taking you through my day through two perspectives: “Old Katie” and “New Katie”:

Old Katie: Went for a long run in the morning in order to burn calories from the day before and allow myself more calories for the rest of the day.

New Katie: Went for a short run in the morning (on my favorite trail) because I wanted to. My doctor gave  me the “green light” to run 10 miles a week. Now I run 3-4 times a week for 3 miles at a time. I supplement it with the occasional barre class and a walk with the dogs. I would be lying to you if I said this wasn’t the hardest part of getting well, but I’m thankful. Ten miles is better than zero.

Old Katie: Downed several cups of coffee and several more cans of Diet Coke just to get through the day.

New Katie: Several months ago I quit sodas cold turkey. As someone who drank at least three cans a day for over a decade, this was HUGE. I’ve also been advised to decrease coffee consumption to one cup a day to help with fertility. E and I went to my favorite coffee shop yesterday. For a long time whenever E and I went out to dinner (or to get a drink) we would run out of things to talk about. All I did was run and work so I had little to offer in terms of engaging conversation. These days, E and I talk about anything and everything. From politics to nutrition to family and religion, we are getting to know each other on a whole different level. Our “coffee dates” are here to stay.

Old Katie: Couldn’t deal with changes to her “schedule”. As you probably know by now, eating and exercise obsessions have more to do with power and control than food or weight. Whenever something happened out of my control, I would dwell on it until it ruined my day (and inevitably E’s day).

New Katie: I had a whole day planned, but unfortunately the weather had a plan of its own. While it did piss me off, I changed our agenda. And guess what? The world did not end and I actually had a GREAT day! Go figure.

Old Katie: Would have gone to dinner with family only after finding a restaurant with a “Katie-safe” salad on the menu. Preferably a restaurant that posted its nutritional facts.

New Katie: I picked a restaurant based on my body’s cravings. This is probably a “no-brainer” for the majority of you, but it has proved to be one of the hardest skills to relearn. I’ve spent so much time trying to teach my head to ignore any craving that it’s hard to isolate them now. But I did. And I didn’t order salad. I enjoyed the appetizers, some wine and a regular entree just like everyone else. At the end of dinner my mom told me how nice it was to see me enjoy “real food”. And it was nice. So nice.

Old Katie: My mom is insistent on baking some sort of sweet treat for birthdays. While she has always baked on my birthday, I can’t remember the last time I partook in the dessert portion of the meal. I was full of excuses: “I’m stuffed from dinner.” “I’ll have some later.” And my favorite: “I don’t like chocolate.” Psh.

New Katie: My mom baked brownies. She decorated them with crowns and jewels made out of sugar (the running joke in the family is that she’s the Queen and I’m the princess). Brownies have been a real struggle. I love them SO much that I never trusted myself to stop at one. I was convinced that if I had a bite it would turn into two and then three, and then half the pan! I knew, even though I really was full this time, I needed to prove to myself that I could enjoy these decadent, chocolatey squares of delight without going overboard. And I did. And again this morning. 🙂

Old Katie: For far too long I found it very difficult to stay up past 8 PM. I had zero energy left from my workouts, calorie deprivation and work that I just couldn’t stay awake. I knew the sooner I went to bed, the sooner I could wake up and eat again.

New Katie: I stayed up until 10 PM (and only because E made me turn off the TV). The less energy I exert in my workouts and the more energy I consume through food, the less tired (and caffeine dependent) I’ve become. This has been HUGE and I look forward to it improving even more over time. I’ve also been walking my dogs every night after dinner. This started off as a way to help calm down our black lab and walk some of his energy off. It has turned into a great way for me to reflect on my day. Allowing myself this time, alone and away from my phone, has really helped me end the day on a high (and thankful) note. If you don’t do this already, I highly recommend it.

With all that being said, each day is still a struggle. “Ed” definitely tried to join me at dinner, but I was able to ignore him. I ordered what I wanted, ate as much as I wanted and truly enjoyed an anxiety-free meal with some of my favorite people. If this is a preview of what this new decade has in store for me, bring it on.

XoXo

Katie

My name is Katie and I’m terrified of oil.

My food fears began when I started to lose weight many years ago. I took the easy road and completely avoided high caloric and high fat foods, regardless of nutritional value. I stopped cooking with oil and eating any kind of oil-based dressings. Today, “Rational Katie” knows that my fear of oil stems from eliminating it those many years ago. “Rational Katie” knows, more than anything, I need the extra calories and fat to get my body back to its normal state so it can work properly.

“Irrational Katie” still considers oil a “sneaky food”. It often goes undetected and even a small amount sneaks many calories into an otherwise healthy dish. “Irrational Katie” tells me that the oil will make me “fat” again.

If we’ve ever dined out together you know I’ve lived by many “food rules”. I started off asking for dressing on the side. Then I requested they leave the dressing off entirely. Eventually I started asking if they cooked any of my food in oil, and if so, to please make an exception for my meal. I was one of those terrible customers with a million different requests and substitutes. It ended up being too hard (and embarrassing) to go out to eat. My kitchen was “safe”. I controlled the amount of oil (or lack thereof) in my food, and that was very comforting.

One of the biggest fights I ever had with E was over oil.

E loves to cook. While most women would be grateful for such a husband, it caused me a lot of anxiety. Any time he prepared food, I had to review and approve the ingredient list. Whenever oil was involved, he would call me into the kitchen where I would do the measuring. It gave me some control in a situation where I felt pretty powerless.

One day I was feeling brave and told him he could measure the oil without me. I remember being on the other side of the house and feeling so anxious about it. I pictured him secretly pouring tons of oil into the pan because he knew I needed it. Eventually my anxiety got so bad that I couldn’t handle it anymore and ran into the kitchen. I took one look at the pan and lost it. In my mind he poured too much and he did it on purpose. I felt like he was being deceitful. I told him I didn’t trust him anymore. I forced him to throw out the food and start over. As I was crying and yelling I KNEW I was being crazy. Batshit crazy. I just couldn’t help it. I literally couldn’t help it.

It seems insane. I see that now. However, as I’ve mentioned before, disordered eating has more to do with control than it does with the food itself. Many women (and men) have specific foods that give them more anxiety than others and it takes more work to overcome.

One solution I’ve found helpful is what I consider “food compromises”. For example, when baking, if a recipe calls for 3 Tb of oil, I’ll use 2 Tb of oil and 1 Tb of applesauce. I also use organic olive oil spray on salads instead of a jar to help control the amount. In restaurants, I don’t ask about the oil. I’m learning to trust the chef(s) and enjoy the meal without the preoccupation of oil and butter.

If you find yourself anywhere on this journey with food fears, you’re not alone. Just remember that there are no “bad foods” and you must trust yourself to practice moderation. One Tb of oil doesn’t equate to pounds gained. Butter won’t make you go up a size. We’ve given food too much power. Let’s take it back. All of it!

XoXo

Katie

A study conducted in 2011 determined that 40-60% of girls in elementary school are concerned about their weight and/or “getting too fat” (Smolak, 2011).

Of American elementary school girls who read magazines, 69% say that the pictures influence their concept of the ideal body shape. 47% say the pictures make them want to lose weight (Martin, 2010).

The rate of development of new cases of eating disorders has been increasing since 1950 (Hudson et al., 2007; Streigel-Moore &Franko, 2003; Wade et al., 2011).

As an aunt to six amazing little girls, these statistics, though not surprising, are incredibly scary.

If you were to ask me about eating disorders 5-10 years ago, I would have shrugged my shoulders and assumed it was something that only affected women who were “crazy” or had a history of abuse. While eating disorders certainly don’t discriminate, they are more prominent in Caucasian women who fit this psychological profile:

“perfectionism, high self-expectations, competitiveness, hyperactivity, repetitive exercise routines, compulsiveness, drive, tendency toward depression, body image distortion, pre-occupation with dieting and weight” (Bachner-Melman et al., 2006)

As a Caucasion woman (almost) in my thirties with a desire to be successful, I happen to identify with most of these traits. In fact, I also see these traits in many of my friends. That’s why I think it’s so important to 1. Bring awareness to something that is often kept hidden and 2. Join the grassroots movement to change the role the media has in society’s standards of “beauty”.

While I didn’t develop disordered eating habits and an obsession with exercise until my twenties, it can happen to ANYONE at ANY TIME under the “right” circumstances. I call the circumstances that led me down this dark path as my “Perfect Storm“. These include (but are not limited to):

1. An exposure to dieting at a young age

2. Weight gain in high school and college from overindulging (food, alcohol) and not exercising

3. An inherent drive to have more and be better

4. Nutrition misconceptions

5. Growing obsession with exercise

I’m convinced that nearly every woman I know has an unhealthy relationship with food. The degree and capacity may vary, but the control it can have is real. No one is immune and a combination of life triggers can cause it to grow. However, I believe education and awareness is key to prevention. I applaud the growing number of celebrities coming forward with their stories, most recently from Extreme Weight Loss TV star Heidi Powell. It can be a powerful thing when celebrities use their fame for good and give a face to such a hidden cause.

Regardless of where you may fall on the “ED” continuum, please know that you are not just a number on a scale, calories burned, or grams of carbohydrates consumed. You are not the food you eat, percent of fat or waist in inches. You’re so much MORE. Let’s instead use the power we’ve been giving food to do things that really matter: Making sure we’re not breeding another generation of women overly occupied with weight.

XoXo

Katie

Bachner-Melman, R., Zohar, A, Ebstein, R, et.al. 2006. How Anorexic-like are the Symptom and Personality Profiles of Aesthetic Athletes? Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise 38 No 4. 628-636.

Hudson J. I., Hiripi E., Pope H. G. Jr., & Kessler R. C. (2007). The prevalence and correlates of eating disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication.Biological Psychiatry, 61, 348-358.

Martin, J. B. (2010). The Development of Ideal Body Image Perceptions in the United States.Nutrition Today,
45(3), 98-100. Retrieved from nursingcenter.com/pdf.asp?AID=1023485

Smolak, L. (2011). Body image development in childhood. In T. Cash & L. Smolak (Eds.),
Body Image: A Handbook of Science, Practice, and Prevention (2nd ed.).New York: Guilford.

Streigel-Moore R. H.,&Franko D. L. (2003). Epidemiology of binge eating disorder.International Journal of Eating Disorders, 34, S19-S29.

Wade, T. D., Keski-Rahkonen A., & Hudson J. (2011).Epidemiology of eating disorders. In M. Tsuang and M. Tohen (Eds.), Textbook inPsychiatric Epidemiology (3rd ed.) (pp. 343-360). New York: Wiley.